Speak to Me Sunday: Birth Days and Birthdays

As part of my training to become a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA), I recently had to observe two courtroom sessions in Juvenile and Family Court. 

I saw and heard a lot, some of it shocking and terribly heart wrenching, but the saddest thing--even among the stories of drug abuse, child abandonment, and foster care placement--was a detention hearing involving a teenager brought before the court on weapons charges. When his case was called there was some confusion because other than a court-appointed attorney, the teen did not have a family member present. The attorney made some phone calls but couldn't reach anyone. Then it was discovered that it was the teen's 17th birthday, and because he was now an adult in the eyes of the court the hearing could go on as scheduled. 

When the teenager was escorted into the courtroom (wearing restraints on his wrists and ankles) he immediately looked to his left to see who was there ... and all he saw was a gallery of empty seats.

Neither his mother nor this father had come. Not a grandmother, an aunt, or an uncle. Not even a friend.

I'll never forget the look on his face. A teenager, just a year older than my son, stood alone on his birthday as the judge remanded him into custody until trial.

Everyone has a birth day, but not everyone has a birthday, and I had a feeling that this teen didn't have a lot of birthday celebrations in his lifetime. I wondered when was the last time he had a birthday cake, or opened a wrapped present, or was showered with love and attention when he turned four, nine, twelve. Or seventeen.

In our training class we watched a video explaining the science of an infant's brain. Unlike the body's other organs which are already developed at birth, an infant's brain is still undeveloped and therefore creates a blueprint for every new experience; in other words, the brain is waiting for experiences to shape it, and the younger the infant, the more sponge-like is the brain (which is why, within just three years, a child learns how to walk and talk). 

But this sponginess is also the same sponginess that makes infants more vulnerable to abuse or domestic violence. So while no one disputes that young children suffer long term effects from chronic exposure to violence, it's actually the infants who are the most impacted; in fact, infants growing up in unstable homes end up with mental health problems at a rate higher than children who are the actual victims or witnesses of abuse. 

Once upon a time that teenager had a birth day. Once upon a time he was a baby. What happened after that? 

As I watched the officer escort the teenager out of the courtroom, I wished for a way to rewind time, to go back 17 years to that teen's birth day. To start over and give him what he needs so that down the road he won't be alone in the world on his 17th birthday facing jail time. I wasn't being naive; he deserved to go to jail, but I couldn't help thinking that things could have turned out differently if, in the beginning, it had gone differently. 

Here's the thing, though. Our brains continue to add new neurons until the day we die. The brain has the capacity to heal. And studies have shown the best way to counteract the early effects of childhood trauma is the number of healthy adults that a child or teen can connect to--teachers, counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, clergy.

I can be that adult for someone. We all can.

As I'm typing this I am well aware that my birthday is this week. I will get phone calls, texts, Facebook messages, gifts. I will feel the love. But the shadow of that teen will be standing next to me as I blow out my birthday candles, and as the smoke drifts heavenward I will pray for God's grace to allow me to be the difference in someone's life ...